Autoeroticism in both directions
Masturbation is born from a longing to know one’s own body. This practice
can begin at any age, but not doing it is also normal.
By digital@jrebelde.cip.cu
A CubaNews translation.
Edited by Walter Lippmann.
From early childhood we all explore our genitals to try to understand how they are, why they are there and why they are different in size and shape from those of others, whether they are close adults or other boys and girls.
Likewise, we examined the rest of our bodies, but to nobody does it seem odd that a baby touches its face or bites the arms of another child, whereas a tiny hand lowering with insistence toward the vulva or penis –their own or another’s– always generates a certain preoccupation.
Like most animals, human beings exhibit an obvious sexual di–morphism, the name given to the unequal appearance (external and internal) among individuals of the same species according to their biological sex.
Among humans that difference is just 15 per cent, and during childhood it is mostly perceptible in the genital area. Inasmuch as those parts are “coincidentally” the ones that the family most insists on covering, it is natural that children associate that minimal difference with the entire accumulation of roles and exclusions that signifies being reared as a boy or a girl in all past and present societies.
The typical curiosity of that age leads them to focus their attention on such attributes and not miss any opportunity to tune into differences between females and males, and in passing, to find out if they respond equally to touch, which in itself is pleasant.
Over the years, they understand that adults do not like such exploratory practices, and since there is so much to learn and master in this world, those doubts are left for later, until they awaken in an alluvium of hormones that makes it urgent to comprehend what is happening to them, why those “little touches” are so enjoyable and if they have some relation to the intimate secrets of mom and dad.
That is one of the challenges for which many families never believe they are well–prepared. Clearly, we all passed through that stage, but in confronting the masturbation practices of adolescence, sometimes culture weighs more understanding one’s prejudices, myths and inherited fears– than the memory of one’s own experience.
Incredibly, parental reactions range from the man who tries to teach his son to “launch” fortune afar, to the mother who knocks insistently on the bathroom door if the boy lingers a lot. There’s also those humiliating smiles of mischief at any attempt for pubescent privacy, so it is left clear that he only wants to rest, to read or to listen to music.
When it comes to girls, the subject is much more harsh. Still, there are few families which assimilate female masturbation as a path to self–recognition, a useful activity to delay the onset of coital relations –and therefore the risks of any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or an unplanned pregnancy– in addition to a valuable exercise to prevent anorgasmia and to learn to give more value to individual pleasure.
Autoeroticism is born from the longing to know one’s own body and its reactions, explains the Spanish neurologist Nolasc Acarín in his book, El Cerebro del Rey…, edited by the Scientific–Technical seal for the current Book Fair.
Although in both sexes explicit masturbation arrives with adolescence, in boys, it is more precocious and sometimes takes somewhat of a “sport” direction, while in girls, it requires a higher degree of fantasy and often appears after several endeavors of sexual exchange with other people.
In both cases, this habit can persist, even after the initiation of coital activity, as a way for releasing tensions, satisfying cravings and increasing self–confidence, or as a substitute for a complacent sexual partner.
An inhibition eminently cultural
Years ago it was considered the worst bad taste for a man to confess those masturbation habits to his stable partner, and of course, it was almost unthinkable the other way around. Not even among friends was the topic talked about a lot, as if it were a sin to say it and much more to do it.
This inhibition is a phenomenon more cultural than biological, says Doctor Acarín. In some way, he has sought to understand female auto-eroticism as an exponent of women’s freedom, which does not need a man to obtain pleasure.
In an obsession to prevent this “dangerous” ability to exercise the right to one’s own body, several countries turn to an ancient gender violence consisting of the mutilation of the clitoris of millions of girls each year, this organ being a type of palpable symbol of that independence of pleasure, an attribute exclusively female which many still consider unnecessary or aberrant since in her they do not encounter in her a reasonable participation in the reproductive process of the human species.
In contrast, male masturbation alone or in a group, with the purpose of “fertilizing” the earth, was common in several ancient cultures. In these times, there are few arguments against it –almost always arguments of a religious order, more than medical or moral– unless the he practices it in public places or has a compulsive behavior that affects other areas of his life, such as couple relationships, children or his performance in society.
In this matter, as in many others, gender equity still has a lot of ground to conquer. Girls as well as boys can begin to masturbate at any age and it is normal. But they can not to do it, because it does not interest them or because they prefer other forms of channeling their energy, and that too is normal.
What is abnormal is to believe that there is a single path to reach maturity, that that path has its limitations when it comes to women or men and that the road is only one way, as if beginning to give ourselves to others would imply stopping to belong to our own selves.
Ask up front
D.A.: I have been married for four years. I believe that my relationship is dying and I want to be able to act, but I cannot find the right way. Sometimes I do not feel anything for him. However, when I decide to end it, something very powerful stops me. Always there was enough confidence and communication on both sides. That does not prevent me from now seeing everything as routine, without anything new, without passion. Our sexual relations are once a month. Is that normal? On the other hand, I desire to be with an ex who I have not seen for a long time. I am 21 years old.
RESPONSE: By what you say, the relationship appears to be in a time of crisis. This does not have to lead to its extinction. In fact, it could be an opportunity to revitalize it. Everything will depend on what you both are able to undertake.
You say that you do not know how to act, but you only emphasize the separation attempts, fortunately unsuccessful. That is, your relationship still matters to you. The ties stay well–knotted despite the boredom and distancing.
On the other hand, you have in your favor a history of good communication. It is going to be time to activate it after elucidating what is happening, such as its possible causes and alternative solutions. Only the two of you will be able to gradually find your own solution.
We often grieve the positive of past loves when the current one is in crisis. This is a signal in the present situation. A call rather to recuperate the vitality of the marriage, still very young.
There are many challenges that a stable couple encounters along their path. There are multiple high and low points on any amorous trajectory. One is not happy because of the absence of conflicts, but rather by knowing how to overcome them. It is essential to define them, to understand them, to find
alternative solutions or alleviations and if necessary to accept certain realities non gratis.
On that “something powerful” that stops your impulse to break up, it is the kindling to revive the fire, still burning. Do not stop trying.
Mariela Rodríguez Méndez, Masters in Clinical Psychology, Counselor in STDs and HIV/AIDS and Psychoanalyst.
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