Sex Sense
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Stepmothers, the wicked ones from the movies?

The modern stepmother has new challenges in order to organize life in her home, with patience and wisdom, confronting old prejudices which still persist against her role as a substitute mother

Email: digital@jrebelde.cip.cu 
09 May 2009 00:52:05 GMT

A CubaNews translation by Sue Greeene.
Edited by Walter Lippmann.

To be a mother, after all, is easy. From young girls, they train us for tenderness, in order to care for others who are smaller and needy. And to give energy to the world and to rejoice in the successes of others even though they cost us a lot of sacrifice throughout life.

To be a stepmother, however, is a destiny that from childhood we hardly dream about. A kind of "curse" from which some women flee because they see it as a source of many problems and little gratification.

In some ways, such behavior is responding to the bad reputation that, for centuries, has been given to this familiar role from classical literature, ballet, paintings and other artistic manifestations, in which these substitute mothers, if they are not witches, in the least they paint them as egoistical, envious, malevolent, selfish...

The loving bond with the father, the reasons for the new marriage, the responsibility which is involved in taking care of some children who are not one's own are barely analyzed when the subject is approached superficially.

And so the stigma of being the "intruder" has a high emotional cost for them, reflecting those stereotypes handed down from generation to generation, to the point where all little girls in their play want to be Cinderella or Snow White, but no one willingly accepts being the Stepmother, said in this manner, without her own name, because no such right is granted to them in literature.

Modern substitutes

Perhaps those classic stories, filled with tragedy and domestic violence, are a faithful reflection of that era, accurate descriptions of the social circumstances in which they were written during the Middle Ages in Europe.

Today, however, these stories are very far from the reality that is lived in the majority of countries in the world, where the number of divorces are growing and many families are reconstituted shortly after the separation.

Often, even more sisters or brothers are born into the new union, especially in young couples. For those women who cannot have their own children, this is a good opportunity to have an outlet for their motherhood.

The modern stepmother has new challenges in order to organize life in her home, with patience and wisdom, confronting old prejudices which still persist against her role as substitute mother, either full-time or on weekends.

Some seek advice in specialized books, consultations with health professionals and even the Internet in their eagerness to get along well with the offspring of her husband, but also with his ex-wife, his former mother-in- law, teachers, the neighborhood...

Others complain of not being heard in their own house. "The mother can be firm, they say, can demand, punish if necessary, but we must wait for the husband to make decisions, and our difficult position is not questioned by the rest of the family."

They want to be appreciated, better awareness

Despite cultural and social obstacles, the majority of infants in this century achieve a good understanding with their stepmother when she treats them with sweetness and she readily relinquishes setting the rules from the beginning of the relationship.

Such success influences the empathy that a woman can develop with those little people in her charge, the time that they devote to mutually knowing each other, respect for the necessities of each one with respect to the father —a point of union and of conflict— and how she organizes her life for sharing it with everyone involved.

The birth mother also influences the family, whether she is physically present or not. Everyone, at any age, deserves to know what their origin is and to have space to interact with their relatives, but that bond should be based on respect for the right of everyone to choose a partner and, in addition, to introduce her to the children at a time which is considered opportune.

To discredit a new girlfriend or wife of the dad in the presence of the minors generates an uneasiness in them which sooner or later impacts their physical and emotional health.

It is not fair to make them feel that they betray their mom if they get along well with the other. What is ideal is that they can talk to both, in order to grow up healthy, to fortify their personality and to learn to establish harmonious relationships with all types of people.

Nor is it logical to fall into competition regarding who is more indulgent, more modern or gives better gifts. Such attitudes by the mother or stepmother shame the father and confuse the minors, if not turning them into opportunists.

Specialists on the topic say that being a stepson or stepdaughter will be less complex if all the significant adults can adequately express their affection, get along well with each other, adopt a consistent style of discipline and, in addition, are able to be united at the time of making major decisions, including sharing joys or confronting the problems of everyday life.

Perhaps most difficult for unity are cultural interests, philosophies of life, ideological positions or a manner of focusing on some views which affect frequent communication with the father or mother. But everything has a solution if discussed with civility.

So today, from Sexo Sentido, we dedicate this Mother's Day to those women who take care of the children of their husband as if they had been born from their own belly.

Our tribute is to those who have learned the art of giving a kiss after giving a good scolding, to those who applaud a good grade or cure a bruised finger and, in addition, know how to keep secrets of wrongdoings, they mend stockings and hearts, they share treats between "half-brothers" and can be fair at the hour of determining culpability.

Advice for stepmothers (and stepfathers):

• Be yourself, act naturally and do not play the role of father or mother because the children already have a father or mother.

• First be husband-wife and then stepfather-stepmother, so that the attitude of the little ones does not negatively influence the couple relationship.

• Do not become a stepfather-stepmother if you do not want it, but it is mandatory to be honest with the children from the beginning.

• Clearly define your role within the family, in order to be respected and to respect others.

• Do not confuse loving your partner with loving the children of this [relationship] or think that because your partner wants it, they will also become your children

• Be realistic about your past and the past of your partner and your circumstances.

(Taken from foroswebgratis.com)

Ask up front

A.M.: My first relationship was when I was 17 years old with a man who I still love. But when I was living with him, he hurt me a lot. He did not demonstrate his love for me. That was a psychological trauma for me which prevents me from enjoying  an orgasm when I am with any man. I have come to think that I will never be able to have one. I would like you to advise me. I am 20 years old.

You will not be able to have a man or an orgasm? You do not make it clear if, at any time, you enjoyed an erotic climax with that love. Neither do you specify how your relationships have been with others. Yes, you emphasize that you assume an inhibition of your orgasm is a result of how much he hurt you because he did not demonstrate love for you. Thus said, we could suppose that it would re-emerge if you feel yourself well loved.

The paradox is that far from detaching yourself from that relationship (traumatic according to what you tell us), your love is still tied to that man who did not display being in love. That is when it becomes necessary to rethink this dynamic that entraps you: you love one who does not love you and only with demonstrations of his love for you would you feel an orgasm.

However, we could ask ourselves if you find any other satisfaction in giving up your erotic climax. It is possible that you unconsciously prevent your orgasm, to punish these men who do not show their love for you according to your expectations.

Rivalry is one possible way of living a couple relationship, where symbiosis, the complementarity which we hope for, never exists. Always something remains, something is left suspended.

When a woman lives a relationship with a man as a grand competition, as a scenario for fighting for power, often erotic surrender, which arrives at the peak of orgasm, becomes difficult for her. It is in this one instant where pleasure and vulnerability are intense and interdependent. It is essential to prepare oneself to cede pride and power.

Mariela Rodríguez Méndez, Masters in Clinical Psychology, Counselor in STDs and HIV / AIDS, Psychoanalyst


http://www.juventudrebelde.cu/cuba/2009-05-09/madrastas-las-malas-de-la-pelicula-/

Sexo sentido

Madrastas, ¿las malas de la película?

La madrastra moderna tiene nuevos retos para organizar la vida en su hogar, enfrentando con paciencia y sabiduría los viejos prejuicios que aún persisten contra su papel de madre sustituta
 

Pregunte sin pena

Correo: digital@jrebelde.cip.cu

09 de mayo de 2009 00:52:05 GMT
 

Ser madre, después de todo, resulta fácil. Desde pequeñas nos entrenan para la ternura. Para cuidar de otros seres más pequeños y necesitados. Para dar fuerzas al mundo y alegrarnos de los éxitos ajenos aunque cuesten mucho de nuestro sacrificio a lo largo de la vida.

Ser madrastra, en cambio, es un destino que de niñas ni soñamos tener. Una especie de «maldición» de la que algunas mujeres huyen porque lo ven como fuente de muchos problemas y pocas gratificaciones.

Tal comportamiento responde de algún modo a la mala reputación que por siglos se ha dado a este rol familiar desde la literatura clásica, el ballet, la pintura y otras manifestaciones artísticas, en las que estas madres por sustitución, si no son brujas, al menos las pintan como egoístas, envidiosas, malévolas, interesadas...

El vínculo amoroso con el padre, las razones del nuevo matrimonio, la responsabilidad que entraña atender a unos hijos que no son propios apenas se analizan cuando el asunto se aborda con superficialidad.

El estigma de ser la «intrusa» tiene entonces un alto costo emocional para ellas, reflejo de esos estereotipos heredados de generación en generación, al punto de que todas las niñas en sus juegos quieren ser Cenicienta o Blancanieves, pero ninguna acepta de buena gana ser la Madrastra, dicho así, sin nombre propio, porque ni ese derecho les concedió la literatura.

Sustitutas modernas

Tal vez esos cuentos clásicos, cargados de tragedias y violencia doméstica, sean el fiel reflejo de aquella época, veraces descripciones de las circunstancias sociales en que fueron escritos durante el medioevo europeo.

Hoy, sin embargo, esas historias distan mucho de la realidad que se vive en la mayoría de los países del orbe, donde crece el número de divorcios y muchas familias se reconstituyen al poco tiempo de la separación.

Con frecuencia incluso nacen más hermanas o hermanos de la nueva unión, sobre todo en parejas jóvenes, y para aquellas mujeres que no pueden tener hijos propios es esta una buena oportunidad de dar salida a su maternidad.

La madrastra moderna tiene nuevos retos para organizar la vida en su hogar enfrentando con paciencia y sabiduría los viejos prejuicios que aún persisten contra su papel de madre sustituta, ya sea a tiempo completo o los fines de semana.

Algunas buscan consejo en libros especializados, consultas de profesionales de la salud y hasta por Internet en su afán de llevarse bien con la descendencia del marido, pero también con la ex mujer, la ex suegra, las maestras, el vecindario...

Otras se quejan de no ser escuchadas en su propia casa. «La madre puede ser firme —dicen—, puede exigir, castigar si es preciso, pero nosotras debemos esperar por el marido para tomar decisiones, y difícilmente nuestra postura no sea cuestionada por el resto de la familia».

Quieren bien, actuar mejor

A pesar de los escollos culturales y sociales, la mayoría de los infantes de este siglo logra entenderse bien con su madrastra cuando esta les trata con dulzura y deja bien sentadas las pautas desde el inicio de la relación.

En tal éxito influye la empatía que la mujer logre desarrollar con esas personitas a su cargo, el tiempo que destinen a conocerse mutuamente, el respeto por las necesidades de cada cual con respecto al padre —punto de unión y de conflicto— y la forma en que este organice su vida para compartirla con todos los involucrados.

También influye la familia de la madre biológica, esté ella presente físicamente o no. Todo el mundo merece a cualquier edad saber cuál es su origen y tener espacio para relacionarse con sus parientes, pero ese vínculo debe estar basado en el respeto al derecho de cada quien de elegir pareja y además presentársela a los hijos en el momento que considere oportuno.

Desacreditar a la nueva novia o esposa de papá en presencia de los menores genera en ellos un malestar que tarde o temprano repercute en su salud física y emocional.

No es justo hacerles sentir que traicionan a su mamá si les cae bien la otra. Lo ideal es que puedan contar con ambas para crecer saludables, fortalecer su personalidad y aprender a establecer relaciones armoniosas con todo tipo de personas.

Tampoco es lógico caer en competencias en cuanto a quien es más complaciente, más moderna o hace mejores regalos. Tales actitudes de la madre o la madrastra abochornan al padre y confunden a los menores, cuando no los convierten en oportunistas.

Especialistas del tema aseguran que ser hijastro o hijastra será menos complejo si todos los adultos significativos logran expresar adecuadamente su afecto, se llevan bien entre sí, adoptan un estilo de disciplina coherente y además logran estar unidos a la hora de tomar grandes decisiones, incluso para compartir alegrías o enfrentar problemas de la cotidianidad.

Tal vez lo más difícil de unificar sean los intereses culturales, las filosofías de vida, las posturas ideológicas o la forma de enfocar algunos aspectos que afectan la comunicación frecuente con el padre o la madre, pero todo tiene solución si se conversa civilizadamente.

Por eso hoy, desde Sexo Sentido, dedicamos este Día de las Madres a aquellas mujeres que asumen la atención de los críos del esposo como si hubieran nacido de su propio vientre.

Nuestro homenaje para aquellas que aprendieron el arte de regalar un beso después de aplicar un buen regaño, las que aplauden una buena nota o curan un dedo magullado, y además saben guardar secretos de maldades, remiendan medias y corazones, comparten golosinas entre «medios hermanos» y logran ser justas a la hora de señalar culpables